Ramblings

Well the patient is doing quite well. She goes for a checkup today at 5pm. Her sore has been healing nicely. She is eating crunchies again and seems to be doing well on her antibiotics. She seems her happy self again, which pleases me no end.

It was a boring, lonely weekend. I slept most of it away...so much on my mind, no one to talk to. I hoped i could talk here but i can't seem to let it out, why. The desire is there but i'm so wound up it just won't come.

I need to go for a walk...i haven't been going, even with gentle, or not so gentle prodding. I meant to go last night but i just felt so lousy....and when i went to grab my Ipod to take with me, it was dead so it seemed like a sign that i wasn't meant to go. Okay so i was grasping at straws and just using it as an excuse...really i'm just tired of being alone, of doing things alone...of always being alone or with my mother. I feel guilty for thinking this way...but i am 34 years old and i want to be in love..i want the love of a man...i want companionship...i want comfort...i want someone to tell me it will be alright. I feel stuck right now...i have no money, i am basically 34 years old and financially dependant on my elderly mother. I feel like a child all over again with the wants and needs and desires of a grown woman. I have desires that i cannot act upon....there is a man i want to meet and instead of being able to hop on a plane and go meet him. I am depressed...i am so down i can't even express it. I cry a lot, i cry because i am stuck right now. I have to care for my mother, she is so dependant on me it is scary. Why did i let this happen..i had a good job, i made a good living, i was independant and happy. I got here because i was trying to do my daughterly duty...she needed me and i was there. But what about my three sisters...they haven't given up anything, they wouldn't. Are they smarter than me...what did they know that i don't. I feel guilty for thinking like this. I feel guilty for typing it here for someone to read, as if it is a reflection on me as a person. I guess it is... but what is it saying. I've been trying my best, i really have...well maybe there is room for improvement. I could be more patient. I could pay more attention to her instead of losing myself online, mostly talking to men who really could care less about me but are looking for fun and fun to them means cyber sex. Married men, men who are taken...trying to talk me in to it..trying to talk me in to threesomes. Why? Do i sound like the kind of woman who would be interested in that type of thing. So i delete said men from my list, only to meet more men like them. I feel disillusioned. I would just like to find some friends.

I think i've found someone...i love spending time with him...i want more time with him... i feel like i have feelings for him but i've never felt like this before, is this 'normal' to develop such strong feelings for someone i've not met face to face.

I think i am losing it....i think i have lost it...i don't know how to get it back. I don't know where it is anymore.

Oh...i need help.