A tiring Tuesday

So last night, i tried to slip into bed with my mother sleeping, thought if i could just ever so quietly get in, i'd fall fast asleep and she'd sleep, allowing me to sleep, but that was not to happen. She woke up as soon as i neared the bed, as if sensing my presence...and wide awake she was. I should mention that i share a king size bed with my mother. Yes we have another bedroom, yes there is a bed in there for her... but she is frightened to sleep alone and so at my age i am sharing a bed with my elderly mother. Laugh if you must... but to me it's not funny. It's sad... terribly sad that she feels so frightened to be alone at night, in her own space, in the privacy of her own bed. And what's more...i miss my privacy and space. I am a fairly young woman... and i'd like time to myself...to just read..or watch tv or lounge lazily and stare out the window at the evening sky. It is not to be, she talks almost every moment she is awake... unless a favourite program of hers is on...then sometimes she will watch it quietly or other times she will try to engage me in the program. Often times i sit with her and we laugh and laugh... i enjoy those times very much... i feel connected to her, like mother and daughter, enjoying our time together.

It is other times where i feel totally inept and lacking as a daughter and as a human being. Perhaps i am not giving her what she needs...what am i doing wrong, how can i make this better.

So last night when my attempt at getting into bed quietly woke her...we had to watch some tv together...i was dead tired and had such a headache and there i was at 3am, watching various programs as she flipped the channels, trying to find something 'good to watch'. At some point i fell fast asleep.... and she let me.