Here i am to ramble on. Mother has been sleeping quite a bit today... i hope she isn't getting what i had over the weekend, i felt totally lousy. Often she sleeps throughout the day so i'm hoping it's just that. Since she's been asleep i've had some time to be online, in icq. It really is a godsend on most days, today especially. I've been chatting with a man who is really fun to chat with. Not sure how he'd feel if he read this so i won't mention his name, just in case... but you know who you are (Nick!) lol. Oh darn, i did it, i mentioned him by name...anyway, we spent quite a bit of time together chatting and he had me smiling and even laughing out loud...this is a good thing, love, love, love to laugh and laughter is not all that common these days.

Don't get me wrong, my mother and i have some fun times together... but sometimes it's just very depressing here. I feel so alone and isolated compared to how my life used to be when i was working and out and about in the world, as it were.

Friends don't call often, if at all... i have two friends that keep in touch almost daily, one from out west and one locally. Both are male and my mother is convinced, despite my explaining, that there is something romantic to it and she is afraid i will up and leave her. Of course i won't do that, she is totally dependant upon me now, i'm not going anywhere.

This commitment i have made to my mother i made with a clear head. She needs me and this is where i must be... i knew what i was giving up and what i was in for... i just didn't anticipate that it would be this lonely, so isolating. Being online helps, so friends like you know who, mentioned above... help get me through the day. When my mother is sleeping, she doesn't like to wake up and not have me there, with her (if it can be helped) so i try to stay around. Being on my computer, where she sleeps, is a good way to keep me planted, otherwise i try to read..or watch a bit of tv...or often times sleep. Such is life.

I know this won't be forever... and i'm trying my hardest to enjoy every moment that i can with my mother... she won't always be with me after all.